just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
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Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
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Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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