I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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