wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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