My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
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He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
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Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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