I just saw a hot homeless man
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
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Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
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I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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