If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
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and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
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Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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