she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
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I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
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Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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