I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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