I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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