I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
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he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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