I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
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I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
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Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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