You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize