i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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