I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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