I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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