i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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