So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
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Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
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well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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