God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
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I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
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She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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