And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
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Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
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do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just forgot I was standing up.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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