I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
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I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
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I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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