well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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