there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
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I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
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I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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