Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
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Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
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My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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