So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
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Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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