Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
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I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
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All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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