So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
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That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
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Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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