I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
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just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
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Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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