Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
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I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
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if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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