Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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