How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
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So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
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I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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