I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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