Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
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the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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