I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
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i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
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A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
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