the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
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Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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