So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
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Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
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My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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