I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Never let your siblings swipe right.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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