What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
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well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
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If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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