If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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