apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
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My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
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Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize