how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize