John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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