Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
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iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
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And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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