I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
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She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
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Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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