I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize