you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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