Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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