my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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