I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
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you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
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I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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