I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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