Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
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yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
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adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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